Euro-English (5-Year "Simplified English" Plan from Germany)

When the Queen of England revoked U.S.' Independence last week, she ordered Microsoft to eliminate it's Spellchecker's "U.S. English--but the Queen's own English is also being axed, or whittled down, thanks to Germany's 5-Year Euro-English Proposal. What goes around comes around. Dr, Bill, Xiamen Univ. MBA

Euro--English 5-Year-Plan (read to the end!)The European Commission just announced that English, not German, will be the EU's official language.  But as part of the negotiations, Britain conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and accepted a 5- year phase-in plan for "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards will have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. 

Enjoy Amoy!

Dr. Bill Brown, Xiamen University MBA Center
Academic Director, SMXMU OneMBA

www.amoymagic.com

Queen of England Revokes U.S.' Independence!

Ahoy from Amoy!    
Neither Trump nor Hillary Clinton will be President. Given the mess, the Queen of England  revoked America's independence. Disbanding Senate & Congress is a good move, but I'm not keen on Microsoft eliminating U.S. English or having rugby, cricket and afternoon tea forced on us. But sanity requires sacrifices. (And check out the new Euro-English Proposal)

Enjoy Amoy! (caterer of Boston Tea Party).
Dr. Bill Brown, XMU

Queen of England Revokes U.S. Independence (original source unknown)
"To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

"In light of your failure in recent years... to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves … we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

"Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

"Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

"Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

"To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
 -----------------------

"1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

"2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

"3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

"4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

"5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

"6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

"7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

"8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

"9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

"10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

"11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

"12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

"13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

"14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

"15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season."

God Save the Queen!

And check out Germany's 5-Year Euro-English Proposal. Even the Queen's own English can't escape the brains in Berlin and Brussels!

Bill Brown

Prof. of Organizational Behavior
Academic Director, SMXMU OneMBA, Xiamen Univ.
Xiamen University
www.amoymagic.com